Hats Off to Masks

Democrats urged to endorse fedora ban in exchange for national mask mandate

Listen, I know what you're thinking: "This isn't a fair trade! They'll never agree to this!" And you might be right, Democrats may not be willing to give up their favorite fashion accessory. But if we want to see an end to the pandemic, this trade could be our Hail Mary.

Obama wearing a fedora

Fedoras are more than just a means of self-expression for liberals. They make it easy to identify which guy in a crowded microbrewery just came from the Mumford and Sons concert. Or which girl at a local, artisanal coffee shop is busy writing her latest screenplay. A fedora can even differentiate a Whole Foods/Urban Outfitters poser from a co-op/thrift store purist. But with the U.S. COVID-19 death toll having just surpassed 173,000 and masks being a proven way to curb the spread of the virus, Democrats are seriously considering the sacrifice. A short-brimmed hat that completes any music festival look in exchange for a life-saving nose and mouth covering? It just might be worth it.

To no ones surprise, Trump is jumping at this deal. Conservatives have a long and fraught history of hatred towards fedoras. Back in 2012, Republican Senator Orrin Hatch even declared, "President Obama has traded in the hard hat and lunch bucket category of the Democratic Party for a hipster fedora and a double-skim latte." But who can really blame Obama for trading in his hard hat? No one can pull those off.

The only instance in which Trump appreciates the accessory is when it's being worn by his dear friend Kim Jung-Un. You gotta admit, all that totalitarianism stuff aside, he looks great in that thing.

Kim Jung-Un wearing a fedora

While 34 states now require a face covering be worn in public spaces, 16 remain without a statewide order. That's why we need President Trump to endorse (or at least not contradict) the recommendations of public health experts regarding the importance of masks, even if it means parting with our trendiest headgear.

So, if you're willing to surrender your fedora for the greater good of our country, please add your name to our Change.org petition. And if you're still not convinced this is a worthy sacrifice, I challenge you to reflect on all the things you'll still have to prove your liberalhood: moleskin bullet journals, Ira Glass, believing in global warming, minimalist botanical tattoos, fermented veggies, a livable wage, aromatherapy, and so much more.


Hey there!

Some of you may be reading this and asking yourself, "Why is the CEO of my collaboration software writing political satire?" Great question! I'm not a medical professional, a scientist, or an expert on infectious diseases, but I understand the importance of wearing a mask.

The point is: masks aren't political, they save lives. And it's on all of us to adopt this small change to make a big difference.

Stay safe,

Shane Hegde